Saturday, January 12, 2008
t'was the night before anti-xmas
It's not just annemarie. We're all on tenterhooks - like six year olds at bedtime on anti-xmas eve. We can barely wait for the metaphoric tomorrow - Anti-Xmas! Will it never come? The worst of it is, anti-santa won't even tell us when tomorrow is! For anti-santa, the waiting is half the fun.
And of course, the media department stores, started their marketing early. It's never too early to hype anti-xmas. Gotta get the kiddies revved up! In the store windows, unconvincing animatronic elves rhythmically swing little hammers, tap tap. The sign says, in an hysterical typeface, They Hate Us For Our Freedom. And when the flash-bulb pops, our expression of fear, as we sit on anti-santa's lap, makes his day. He laughs - Ho Ho Ho. He is coca-cola red, in tooth and claw.
And naughty or nice? Who gives a shit. You'll get yours either way. Don't forget to leave out a beer and a carrot and every other thing you treasure. Lo and behold when you wake up in the morning, it's always gone! Wow, he really was here. And not only was our tree cut down, they all were! Thanks anti-santa. Other kids say you don't exist but I know you do. Sure we never see you, just your proxies. The greatest trick anti-santa ever pulled was convincing the world he never existed. But I believe in you!
And one day it'll be tomorrow and anti-xmas will be here. Families will gather together and think fondly of all their assets, now worthless. We'll all rejoice that at least we still have each other and sing seasonal elegies. And on the TV, a special event! Is that anti-santa's golem sleigh leaving a path of death and destruction on it's way to punish other undeserving boys and girls? Is that Donner and Blitzkrieg? Donner is german for 'A-10 Thunderbolt' you know, and he leaves a magical trail of depleted uranium pixie dust to light up everything it touches for the next 10,000 years.
And who'd want to spoil the fun? What sort of party-pooper would hit the streets with thousands of others and shout, 'Bah! Humbug!'? To them I say, 'Yes annemarie, there is an anti-santa and you and your little friends should celebrate the true spirit of Jesus and throw the fuckers out.'