Saturday, January 26, 2008
I'm so Australian
It's Australia Day - time to celebrate everything that's great about Australia and Australians. Apologies to Matthew Hardy who actually cracks me up. None of these 'gags' are his. It's just me driving his comedy stiletto a few, socially unacceptable, inches further -
I'm so Australian, that when the PM says dictionary-definition jingoism like 'Australians are the greatest people in the world', I cheer because it's so true.
I'm so Australian, I reckon that when Shane Warne shook his arse over the balcony at Lords that time, he set an example for us all. Warnie, we salute you! Rub those Poms' noses in it mate!
I'm so Australian, that when foreign cricketers complain about Australians lacking sportsmanship I know that they are whinging envious losers.
I'm so Australian, I laugh at anyone who has an opinion on anything other than sport, because they're a wanker.
I'm so Australian, I think that t-shirts that say 'Australia - Love it or Fuck off' are brilliant.
I'm so Australian, I think jokes about aborigines are funny.
I'm so Australian, I go overseas and know that the places I visit aren't that great because the people living there don't say, 'Isn't this the greatest place in the world!' like we do.
I'm so Australian, I think Indonesians who object to me and my footy team going to Bali to publicly get drunk, go pants-off and have a bit of a vom, should lighten up and get a sense of humour.
I'm so Australian, that the crushing Australian defeat at Gallipoli under the British makes me proud and and I cheer for our troops now continuing this Aussie tradition under the Americans.
I'm so Australian, I think that hamburgers, pizza and fried chicken are as Australian as Mom and Apple Pie. Thanks Mum! I mean, Mom.
I'm so Australian, I go to Ibiza and come back saying things like, 'Wicked!' and, 'I was so nana-ed' and 'It all went pear-shaped' in a cockney accent. Awesome!
I'm so Australian, that even though I'm a bodysurfer, I wear board shorts. Those speedos we've all been wearing for forty years are, you know, like, dude, gross me out! If I'm in a passing car I yell unintelligible shit at people who wear them.
I'm so Australian, I wear a baseball cap in a country that has no baseball. I wear it backwards or sideways except for when I play cricket - then I wear it like a baseball player.
I'm so Australian, I aspire to be American. Or is it English? Why not some weird cobbled-together version of both? Anyway, whatever we were before TV came along was bullshit.
I'm so Australian, I like to laugh at myself and how great my country is. And anyone who says it isn't great, is un-Australian, and can go and get fucked.