Thursday, January 20, 2011

The IMF - a statistical analysis

The holiday from reality is over and now we're back into it. Whilst I try to make sense of, and hack away at, the latest absurdly long and self-obsessed piece, please enjoy this truly marvellous entry I screen-grabbed from statcounter. Click on the image to get a legible rez.

Nice one, eh? It's my opinion that if you have a blog it's worth having an entry containing the words 'israel' and 'cock' if for no other reason than to see who searches for such things. Admittedly searches for 'israeli cock' come from all over but what's odd is nearly all of the hits I get from the Middle East arrive looking for Israeli cock. In this case my conundrum is: are they Muslim or Jewish? Do Muslims dream of Israeli cock? It's possible. But then again Israelis are everywhere. They travel like a coprophiliac Tom Joad, "Wherever there's a goyim's place un-shat in, we'll be there." And when you're stuck in your hotel room with no assassinations on the horizon, and the carpet, bed, and furnishings already covered in faecal matter, what are you going to do? Get on the net and find some 'israeli cock' of course!

But thinking about it - who the fuck does that? Which is to say, who searches for a specified, non-exotic, home-brand cock? Do Australians cock-searchers specifically look for Australian cock? I'm going to call that one as no since an article entitled 'Australia sucks Israel's cock' is just as likely to deliver those searching for 'australian cock' as the israeli version, and yet I get half of fuck-all searches for it, and none from Oz (that I recall). In comparison, it's a pretty rare arrival from Israel that hasn't come in search of 'israeli cock'. Don't worry about the irony, it's running rampant and can look after itself.

Irony aside, are we surprised? Jews wrote the book on racism (it's called the Talmud, ha ha) and Israel is the living embodiment of that book. Is there anything in the Talmud about cocks? "Any Jew who takes a goyim cock up the jacksy on the Sabbath should be killed." I just made that up but it wouldn't surprise me if the Talmud didn't have all manner of proscriptions which, depending on: jewish or goyim; circumcised or uncircumcised; shagger or shaggee; sabbath or non-sabbath; etc etc. would then declare each given variation of cock-chasing a sin or a virtue. Not forgetting of course that Jehovah would be in awe of anything the Talmud would have to say on the subject. The Talmud says so.

'But!' I hear you say, "What's all this crap about the Talmud? This is just some individual from the IMF and you don't even know if they're Jewish." Well that is true. But who gives a shit? I only know two things: the only hit I ever got from the IMF was looking for israeli cock: and whoever it was was stupid enough not only to try and find it via google but to also click on my obvious non-sex site in the process.

Or to put it another way, 100% of IMF visits to this blog have been made by cock-obsessed, racist fuckwits. Don't argue, the statistics are bullet-proof. Ha!


Pstonie said...

I recently found out the word for being that fucked up on hubris and vanity is endogamy. As in "Endogamy within the family was an essential part of the Rothschild strategy in order to ensure control of their wealth remained in family hands".

The things people do for hate, eh?

kikz said...


shite! wb noby >:)

Anonymous said...

To get many thousands of views, use the words "David Cassidy".

- Aangirfan

(Word verificacion: toollu)

slozo said...

Amazing. Simply amazing.

Glad you are still kicking, Nobody! :)

Anonymous said...

powerfull observations mr nobody..neil

nobody said...

Hullo Boys and Girls,

Well to be honest, that was pretty silly - a quick throwaway. But kind of fascinating nonetheless. And thanks Aang. David Cassidy, eh? Who'd have thunk it? Speaking of such who'd-have-thunk-its, my actual number one search arrival entry is, believe it or not, 'morton downey jr'. I mentioned this before but I'm still stumped on it. In what alternative universe is Morton Downey Jr a topic of interest to... um... hell, anyone? But somehow it continues to top my list.

Thanks for the link Pstonie. And everyone else, lovely to have you in here.

Otherwise, has everyone been reading Aangirfan lately? Phwooar! Great stuff Aang! Thank you so much for sorting me out on Tunisia. And then as soon as I've finished ploughing through the last couple of weeks of Aang's stuff it'll be time to tackle Twelfth Bough.

A. Peasant said...

yo nobs, thank you for starting my day with delight. this reminds me of the deposition of that AIPAC staffer Steve Rosen. i saved a copy of it here:

if you haven't seen it yet you will enjoy. the end is classic.

imo Aan is single-handedly fucking up their plans for Tunisia. amazing work.

glad to see you blogging nobs.

slozo said...

Thanks so much for that link . . . I almost shit myself laughing. Very funny stuff.

I did make it to the bathroom, however. ;)

nobody said...

Thanks AP, that was a laugh. I couldn't figure who was stupider, the guy answering the questions or the guy asking them.

Anonymous said...

My suggestion as I have mentioned to Peasant is write something about Jesse James. I have so far had 2030 on Jesse and Frank James American Legends, since last August for some reason.

Penny said...

Interesting the searches that draw people to blogs.

I have never seen anyone searching
David Cassidy?
or Morton Downey Junior?
or Frank or Jesse James?
all weird searches...
or maybe not!

nobody said...

Actually Pen, I should say, in the spirit of less-hyperbole-more-accuracy, that Morton Downey Jr is my second most popular search topic. You'll be pleased to know that Dave McGowan is number one.

But the thing is that I wrote an entire piece just on Dave McGowan with his name mentioned dozens of times, along with dozens of other articles each with dozens of other mentions. Morton Downey Jr on the other hand only ever got a single, fleeting, one sentence mention and the photo of him I used doesn't feature his moniker in the file name.

Given those terms, he's waaaaay over represented in terms of search deliveries. Still it augurs well that so many people should be searching for McGowan. No one deserves to be more widely read than him, I reckon.

P2P said...

great to read from you.

as far as I know, google ranks pages higher depending on how many other sites have a link leading to them. so I guess your writing is just so good on the topic of israel + cock that it makes the top rather than the poor, real israel cock. the internet has spoken.

nobody said...

Hey P,

Thanks mate. Just so you know, I'm still working on the answer to your question. I wrote a couple thousand words, talked about everything under the sun, and then couldn't figure out what point I wanted to make. So I chucked it all out and started again. Provided I can avoid getting sidetracked it should be done shortly. Hopefully before the end of Jan. Ciao Ciao.

kikz said...

batten yer hatches noby..

cat 5's are no fukin fun....

good luck hon.. where evr you are...

nobody said...

Thanks matey,

I'm actually well to the South of all that and the worst that we had to put up with was a humid night. Otherwise it seems like all the big towns missed out and Tully and Mission Beach copped it hardest.

nobody said...

And sorry I haven't been attending. I could give an excuse but since it would reflect poorly on me to blame it all on a mentally deranged, hell-bent old man, I shan't.

That aside, what with having injured my shoulder I can't go to yoga for a while, and given that there's nothing else to do in this bullshit town I expect I'll have no option but to write. That's the theory anyway.

kikz said...

glad ta get a report in ya noby!

hope ya heal quickly...

look'n fwd to new posts...

we're freezing here n. of dallas.. been iced in since.. mon?

shit.. 14F this am.. 12F ystrdy.. rolling blackouts.. luckily ours lasted no more than 15mins.
callin for 2" of power aftr midnight..

damn i hate cold!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

P2P said...

here's something to chew on

nobody said...

Hey Kikz,

Well mate, that sounds alright to me. The temp in my oven of a bedroom has been around 35C every night for a week now. Not forgetting the humidity...

0C = water freezing
37C = body temp
100C = water boiling

As for new posts and blogging etc. gee, I don't know. What with the old man's relentless, all-consuming predilection for mindgames, his ever greater resemblance to a drug-fucked smack addict, and the progression of his disease (in that order) it's hard to tell whether him completely dropping his bundle is real or just some silly game. Either way, the result is that ideal thing whereby I have to do every goddamn thing now. I even have to make his tea.

Oh, and remember me as perpetual answerer to the question 'what day is it'? For his birthday I bought him a clock that has the day on it. It doesn't stop him asking of course, but it enables me to simply point at the clock and say 'clock'. He makes a big fuss of reading it ('It says Thursday') and then invariably saying, 'Yes but how do we know that that's right?'.

I'm thinking it would be amusing to buy him a second clock so that immediately after I point at the clock and say 'clock' I can then point at the other clock and say 'other clock'.

His doctor came to the house the other day and in discussing the likelihood of blood clots in his swollen balloon-like legs actually winked at me. Whilst I was somewhat confused I suspect he was saying, 'If we just let this go it might be the end of him.'

Me, somehow I doubt it'll be that simple.


And hey P. I'm not sure what to make of that mate. It may mean something or it may mean nothing.

Oh! I used one of your photes over at the haiku blog. I wanted to use the one of the empty glass of red in front of the window (which is such a perfect photo it's scary) but I didn't know if it was quite right for haiku. It's still a great photo though...

kikz said...

sigh.. noby..

i'll take the heat any day!
it finally went above 32F ystrdy am. first time since's a balmy 40F this morn.. i went ta bed early.. got up round 2A ish...i'll hav a nap later...

we finally got the driveway cleared ystrdy around noon.
had been housebound since mon.
the snow wasn't bad.. it was the 1.5" of ice underneath.
the drive has a bad angle, and if we lost control of the car, could end up in neighbor's garage, or other neighbor's pool. so we were stuck....

v8forehead smack.. didn't think we'd b housebound for 6 daZe.. don't know why i didn't think use hot water..
we did.. filled big juice jugs to loosen and we all went to work on it.. then showered/rested and went to the groc store..
OMG.. night of the living dead.. literally. i don't know how these peepz function...

anyway.. about halfway thru the aquarian waterbearer routine, hubby got the bright idea... for next time..
to hook up a garden hose to the washing machine hot water hookup.. laundry room just inside the garage.. so.. i will, frm now on, keep a hose/sprayer in the garage (so they don't freeze up and i can get to it) for just such purpose.

great idea w/the clock... is it sitting directly on top of the tv:)? that's where i'd put it:)

heat.. if ya hav a spray bottle, mist your sheets..i've heard that helps. also, heard, dish soap/large plastic ziplock bag make a great cold pack, as the stuff won't freeze.. try that on back of your neck.. maybe one for soles of your feet too :)

anyway, hope your situation resolves itself soon
big hugz*

nobody said...

Thanks Mate,

Mist the sheets? Good god, this place is so goddamn humid that it's the best you do to keep your sheets from going mouldy at the best of times. But never mind, the cool change kicked in the other night and everyone got a decent night's sleep.

As for hot water on snow, I don't like to brag but I have what I'm thinking is a special gift in this regard. In fact they should write me into the next X-Men movie as, um... 'Melto' featuring my mutant ability to shoot snow-melting hot water directly from my body.

"Oh no, we can't defuse the bomb because it's covered in snow! Wait, is that a bird, or a plane?"
"A bird or a plane? It's just some bloke unzipping his fly."
"Don't worry boys and girls. It's Melto to the rescue! Ohhhhh man! Thank God! That's so much better - I was absolutely busting I tell ya."
"Wow Melto, you even signed your name."
"All part of the service ma'am. And off I go now. Hi ho, Shank's Pony, Away!"

gallier2 said...

To that I can only add

nobody said...

Well, somebody had to say it. And thank you Gallier!