Friday, September 12, 2008

How to go directly to jail

Just yesterday a friend of mine was arrested for possession of marijuana - one ounce. Fingers crossed she gets off lightly. In the meantime my head was filled with mad, windmill-tilting thoughts. Perhaps this is best viewed as comedy, or if you'd rather, as proof that smoking marijuana renders one imbecilic.

Your Worship,

May I have a few minutes of the court's time to express an acknowledgement of my crime? Yes? I thank the court. Because it is clear that I have failed. That the police have spent time and money bringing me here, and that the court has devoted its own very valuable time to my case, is proof of this.

My prime failure is my inability to reconcile two understandings. The first is an historical one, to wit, America's prohibition of alcohol in the thirties. This famously failed on account its criminalising of otherwise law-abiding citizens and its enrichment of true criminals, who in turn, unsurprisingly, used this wealth to corrupt those ordered with enforcing the law. Not forgetting the debasement of the law in the eyes of those citizens newly deemed criminal. And all of this to no useful effect.

And the second understanding is that the prohibition of marijuana seems barely to differ from this.

Any decent citizen would be able to hold both of these thoughts in their head simultaneously and think nothing of it. That I am unable to do so reflects poorly on me and renders me as (how shall I put it?) 'the wrong sort of fellow'.

I do not wish to lay blame on others for my failure. It is not the fault of my education, nor of my parents, nor of society. The fault lays entirely with me. Numerous people, including the police, have, in a spirit of helpfulness, attempted to correct me in this matter. But perversely I have refused to concede to the rightness of their thinking - the rightness of holding two contradictory thoughts at once.

Clearly this renders me at odds with decent society. I appreciate that were everyone in society as wilful as me, things would quickly degenerate. In this mad dystopia I would have us live in, the law under which I am charged would be done away with, and criminals like me would be able to openly walk the streets, wander into a liquor store and purchase two joints of a Friday evening. Dreadful - that I, a criminal, should be rendered law-abiding, that the criminals who profit from marijuana should lose their income (indeed that the government would derive tax from these sales), and that everything taking place here today should be made unnecessary, is a mad thought from which all here rightly recoil.

Except for me, Your Worship. In this I fail. Further, that I should choose not to be fearful of the repercussions of holding to such views is condemnable. May I say, that the police have done the right thing and attempted to impress upon me where such thinking leads to. As one constable said to me (if the court will forgive me for quoting directly) - 'You fucking smart-arse cunt, see how fucking clever you are when you're in Boggo Road copping it up the arse!' I thank the police for this lesson in fear and apologise for my obtuseness in learning it.

As I apologise to the court also. That the court should have it's time wasted by jumped-up nobodies like me who imagine that they should determine the rightness of a thing by means beyond those prescribed by statute, is criminal in and of itself. That I obey all other laws, and concede their rightness, and otherwise qualify as a law-abiding citizen (and have done so for my entire life), is no excuse. Indeed, I have no excuse, Your Worship. I have failed and I admit it. I ask nothing for myself and submit to the court's better judgement.

Your worship, I thank the court for its time.


notamobster said...

The miserable sod who thinks they can challenge the security of a free state by smoking marijuana, deserves not only "taking it up the arse" but an all-expenses-paid trip to Gitmo, where they can spend their days relaxing atop a waterboard; considering their crimes!

Such a person would surely only encourage others to smoke "the reefer", and then; who knows...they might convert them to radical jihadism and convince them that their shoe is an appropriate place for one to hide explosives.

HAHAHAHA!!!!! Your point is well made, sir. Hope she comes out all right.

nobody said...

I wonder if Richard Reid had to hop through the security checks and through immigration etc? Because those liquid explosives blow up at the drop of a hat (or shoe, as the case may be).

And then there he was trying to ignite his shoes with a cigarette lighter. Ha ha ha ha. What farcical nonsense. I expect that people watching it on the news said, 'Unbelieveable' or somesuch. Which is funny because they did believe it. What a whacky world.

notamobster said...

If he had any flammables at all, I'd say it was lighter fluid and a ZipLoc baggie...

I used to use baggies once, but only for my marijuana... oops, that'd make me an enemy of the state, wouldn't it?

Penny said...

nobody, I came here to read this just after I put my post up about, my square peg cohorts not fitting into their circles, and dammit, there you are, living up to it.

it is best read in a comedy, but only in the most perverse form, a comedy that criminalizes other wise good and decent people is the blackest comedy of all.

It would be so great if more people realized the sheer stupidity of these types of actions.

Here is hoping that a fine is the worst of it.

Anonymous said...

Speaking of jails!

Are Australian jails as bad as Americans? In America, we have millions of blacks, and mexicans in jail. Most of them are in for drug offenses. While the Russian Mafia(jewish mafia) controls drugs.

Any ways, American jails are violent and rape occurs frequently. I was just wondering if Australian jails are similar?

Is there a war on drug in ozzie land?

nobody said...

Well, what with never having been a jail of any description I really couldn't say. But I expect that American jails are worse. In Oz we don't have private corporations running prisons. American prisoners are a form of slave labour. I read lately the absolutely staggering number of corporations that use prison labour to manufacture everything. I can't remember which corporations precisely but you'd have heard of them. I had. Between government run institutionalised misery and the corporate version, I have the latter pegged as having less humanity and being more pitiless.

Otherwise (and I'm being very general here) Australians aren't quite as brutal as Americans. We have a thing (and yep it's abused and misrepresented) called 'mateship'. People could argue all day about what this is precisely, but I'm going to loosely define it as 'fellow feeling', if you can dig it. From what I understand of America, this seems to be absent. Figures in authority there seem perfectly capable of viewing others as less than human. I'm not saying this doesn't happen here. Merely that it's less likely, or lesser in degree. I imagine Canada as being different to America in this fashion also.

Frankly there are no nice jails. Unless you're a bazillionaire and end up at 'Club Fed'. But country clubs for the rich aside, some countries are worse than others. Me, I'd rather be in an Australian jail. But then again, what the fuck would I know?

nobody said...

PS. In answer to your other questions - I doubt that there's a prison in the world that isn't violent and doesn't have rape. And there's a certain level of hysteria in the discussion of drugs here but we don't have a war on drugs per se. That's pretty much an all-American affair. Furthermore, in several states possession of small amounts of dope is decriminalised. You merely get a ticket. In South Australia and the ACT you're allowed to grow plants but only a couple. I should check this out. It'd be worth my mate being in possession of the knowledge that the amount she was caught with would only warrant a fine in another state.

Anonymous said...

It is my understanding that in US prisons, they now charge a per diem for the stay. Also, paying a large restitution fee included with the sentence for incarceration is becoming very popular. The more charges that can be compounded, the greater the fees.
In the per diem arrangement, it comes out of the laborer's earnings which I read comes to something like 47 cents a day.
There are luxury jails in which wealthy offenders can reserve private rooms, like hotels. Gone are the days when convicts were released with $200 bucks and a new pair of shoes to make it on the outside. Now they are released to a fresh pile of bills with which to start over.
The corporate masters must have a lot of input into the training of taser bearing vipers. As always, its NOW, all about the money. If your friend was busted in the US, she would have to spend at least 5 grand (more or less) on her attorney and attend around 6 months of night programs seeing "drugs are dangerous" films. Jail time on such a small bust isn't likely, its considered a misdemeanor which means less than one year of jail. Too small for the corporate masters to ply into a larger haul. But every bust means something goes in someone's pockets so they will never let anyone stumbling into the viper's nest just apologize and go away. Once the pad and pen come out, the offender is cooked. Just think about the long line of open hands waiting for their cut. The court, the bondsmen, the clerks, the photographers, the undressers, they got more personnel to pay than the military.

notamobster said...

I just reread your comment because something stood out earlier - " 'unbelieveable' or somesuch"...

Wacky world indeed, sir. How is it that our Orwellian nightmare has become so all-consuming that so few have eyes to see, or ears to hear.

So blindfolded are the masses that they don't even realize it when they say things like "unbelievable" when they mean "I buy this story, horse & tack" or a few others

Patriotism - supporting your government, no matter the cost

dissent is unpatriotic and thus, terrorism

war is the only means for achieving peace

nationalism is patriotism

Or how Americans have accepted the USA Patriot act which requires them to give up their liberties to 'protect freedom'.

Wacky, indeed!

But then, Oceania is at war with Eastasia. Oceania has always been at war with Eastasia.

nobody said...

Yeah, good points. I read that thing too Nina. We all talk about the military/industrial complex but you don't hear much about the prison/industrial complex. It operates in precisely the same fashion. Otherwise the idea of private corporations being involved in the deprivation of liberty should be complete anathema to any democracy. Only elected and accountable governments should have that right. All things being equal that is....

Same same for those without liberty being used as a source of labour and profit. I'm pretty sure here, both are illegal. Frankly, you'd think labour unions in the US would be up in arms about it, wouldn't you? Now that I think about it, has anyone ever seen anything about the AFLCIO complaining about prisoners taking worker's jobs? Me neither. It's kind of telling don't you think?

kikz said...

hmmmm.. thought i'd left a post.. but i guess it didn't take.

dallas dodged the bullet w/ike. all is well.

frm intimate personal experience akin to your friend...

in the us a charge of this nature is considered a crime of 'moral turpitude' (sweartagod)... if this is also the case in oz...

her one moral leg to stand on, if... the charge is simple possession...

a law was broken, but the main consideration she should broach;

who was harmed? how was society negatively impacted by her actions?
who was her victim?

these questions will be countered with accusations of enriching drug lords; who usually do have a large negative impact on society.

but in the us, that would/should fall under the RICO (organized "non-gov" crime; money laundering, etc)...

so if the charge is simple possession...

who else was harmed by her possession? the state?

yea, right, sure.

and btw,

god help her.

nobody said...

Thanks kikz, my thoughts exactly.

At this point, it seems the consensus is (re my friend's case) that one ounce is not very much and what with it being a first offence she will get off very lightly and merely pay a small-ish fine.

the Silverfish said...

At the risk of offending so many for So little, firstly let me say that I don’t advocate the wholesale use of pot or should I say the indiscriminate use of pot. By indiscriminate I mean hay lets all just get wasted with the accent on the wasted part. In my last comment I did say that there was NO ONE on this planet that was more against big pharma than this writer, this point it seems was missed. No matter.

What I did say is that in this country, Canada that is, we have some 25,000 scripted meds of which 24,800 or thereabouts are nothing but a money grab by Big Pharma or at least words to that effect.

So getting back to the pot part, and before anyone jumps on my back for what I said in the beginning of this comment let me just say this, get ready to fall on yer keester. Harvest time is just over in Central Canada and we grow the highest quality pot on the planet (NO exceptions) hell the government has been forced to put it on the official agricultural export list as Canada exports so much of it, and I’m sitting on a cool half mill street value and I’m NOT going to see one red cent of it. As a matter of fact it’s going to cost me money to get it to the people who need it the most. Let me explain, in Canada, certain Dr’s are allowed to script medicinal marijuana for certain medical conditions ie. Chemo and such but it’s only certain Dr’s and like I said certain conditions not only that but the price for the Government grown pot is out of this world and the quality sucks big time , so there are many people who can find benefit in it’s use but can simply not afford it or they just don’t qualify. This is where I come in.

I suffer from Narcolepsy and it forced my early retirement. For the last thirty Years I’ve been through all of the bullshit as in Antidepressants to knock me down and Amphetamines like Ritalin to keep me awake. Makes a lot of sense to give a sleepy person antidepressants huh. Some years ago I discovered through another person with Narcolepsy that ONE small hoot of Pot and I mean a small hoot as in getting stoned is completely counter productive just before going to bed is the only thing that has helped me get a full and restful nights sleep.
So what I do is work through my Dr. who is a close personal friend. He gives me the names of people that he feels could receive benefit from the use of marijuana , these include people with Eating disorders, Sleep disorders, Cancer, MS, Fibromyalgia and the list just goes on and on but for some stupid reason don’t qualify or simply can’t afford it. Then if I feel that they WOULD benefit I contact these people and if they are willing to try I make sure that they get their monthly supply, on the QT of course because dolling out this sorta sometimes naughty stuff to sick people would be SO WRONG.

Here’s the kicker, the police know what I do and why, so they leave me alone because they know damn well if they tried to bust me I would simply go to the court of public sympathy and how far do you think they would get with that? Denying sick poor people that which can help them for FREE as in NO personal profit. Not far methinks.So they simply pretend that it isn't happening. Awfully big of them don't Yuh think.

Hey it makes music sound great too, so if Yuh want to smoke up and listen to some tunes at home go for it just don’t ever tell me that your good to drive or do a whole bunch of other things cause your not, no more so than if you dropped back a bunch of martinis after work, it’s as simple as that.

So in end I’m no saint but I do know the difference between right and wrong.
Ps. I hope your friend does well. Also I went through the cancer thing for five years with my wife and although I won't say that I know how you feel because I simply don't I do have an idea what it's like.

nobody said...

Thanks silverfish,

Yeah mate, I'm glad you've popped in. It did occur to me that we were all monstering each other. This is the problem with electronic communication. All the visual clues, ie. facial expressions, are missing. Subsequently what might otherwise be a lively, or even fun, conversation somehow takes on a nasty edge. Even before email, letters (as opposed to the spoken word), possessed an unfortunate to-be-endlessly-dwelt-on kind of permanancy.

Anyway I did wonder if you hadn't thought 'to hell with them', ha ha. I have a feeling my original muse annemarie did this. Annemarie are you out there still? Please come back. I do miss you. I will happily apologise for having been short with you last time we spoke.

As for our discussion before, I suspect that the all-of-us had far more in common than apart.

That aside - interesting stuff. My old man, what with having myeloma, is THE ideal candidate for therapeutic marijuana. But he prefers his big pharma industrial toxins. As for your story, would it be fair to say that you are embracing alternative medicine? (emphatic winky smiley face!)

That aside, I will happily concede the shortcomings of marijuana. There are plenty. But I'll also insist that its shortcomings are perfectly equivalent to alcohol. Mind you, I never encountered a violent dope smoker. And there's a lot to be said for that. Unless you're a government looking to make your people as war-like as possible. Hmm...

Anonymous said...


Finale to a Declining Epoch

Even among the misinformed masses, the realization is growing that the USrael system is disintegrating. Realization is also growing that the robbed, raped and plundered German nation must go through another period of impoverishment in the transition from the tyranny of rule by the Zionist Lobby to a national and independent nation state. In conjunction with the idiotic debate over atomic power, Bernhard Trepczyk used the opportunity to describe the actual condition of the perishing BRDDR: "The Comeback of atomic power is occurring during the final act of a vanishing age of boundless economic growth. After this, the curtain must inevitably come down. Let us be thankful for the golden years that we were privileged to experience. They were wonderful years – but they will never come back." (Spiegel, No. 29, 2008, p. 8). David Bloom, Currency Chief of Honkong and the Shanghai Banking Corporation (HSBC), expressed fears of the collapse of the entire American currency system when the Federal Reserve had to take over Indy Mac. "Regional banks could start toppling ... the biggest threat to the dollar. 'We have a pure dollar sell-off'." (, 18 July 2008)

How much longer can USrael hold out? Someone who should know is Alex Patelis, the head of Merril Lynch. He considers that the American financial system may not last longer than six more months: "I don't see how the current situation can continue beyond six months," he said. (, 18 July 2008)

nobody said...


I reckon there ain't nothing to be done for it. Me, I'm thinking of taking off for the so-called third world. There's places not too far from here where, regardless of what happens in the West, they'll barely even notice. The rain will still fall, the fruit will still grow, and the chooks will still run around in the yard. I might even get me a pig.

Apparently there's no 'shopping' there they tell me but, shit, I haven't been 'shopping' for years so what do I care?

nobody said...

Sorry folks, I've been a bit lackadaisical and not put anything new up for a while. But I have an excuse. I've been hacking away at my favourite Korean monster movie and only just got it into shape this afternoon.

So! If you groove on Korean monster movies (and who doesn't?) head on over to the cinema. Otherwise I'll be back here soon with some new rant.


Anonymous said...

Dear Mister Nobody
You have acquitted yourself as a man of distinction in these pages; please help me out here.
This uranium thing with Russia - now I know a promise is a promise, however.
Even the Opposition agrees I have done the RIGHT THING. That in itself is reason to change my mind I know.
But the UN has the good oil they know it wasn't Russia who was the aggressor and from a priest no less.
Mister Nobody, what should I do?
It has me worried that this story should appear here; Oh lawsey!
Your PM, KMR

Kevin Michael Rudd said...

Something else I'd like to explain to you and your readers too Mister Nobody.
re: Why I must travel overseas
We all know that we can't communicate using conventional communications facilities eg. 'phone, e-mail etc. because Mister Bush eavesdrops ON US ALL.
So, I must travel overseas (to USA) to receive my instructions from Mister Murdoch personally.
Now He has told me that Australia will be okay with the coming world ills. He tells me he wouldn't let his mum live anywhere else but Aussie Land.
So Mister Murdoch will keep us safe but He wants to talk to me ‘mano-a-mano’ so Mister Bush won't find out about Him looking after US.
Your PM

nobody said...

Thanks PM,

In matters global, for punters like me expecting disappointment, you never disappoint. As such I was perfectly unsurprised when your cake of soap head lobbed up on my telly sowing the seeds of conflict with Russia. I have no doubt that in your upcoming campaigns against those who resist private ownership of the money supply you will be fully supported by the media. Your campaign is their campaign, which is to say - international banking's campaign. And off you go to hobnob (ie. be told what to do) with your very good banking friends. Long may they reign o'er us. Enjoy the champagne and have a canapé for me.

Otherwise, how pleased I was to see you hammering another nail in the coffin of unionism. One warning and they're sacked! Quite right too. How marvellously 'new labor' you are. Onwards and upwards! Soon Australian workers will enjoy the 'world's-best-practice' conditions and wages of our heroic Chinese friends. Remember those right-wingers out there who were complaining that you'd never be able to achieve what Howard achieved? Well, you sure showed them! Dickheads!

Kevin Michael Rudd said...

Please, Mister Nobody, Sunlight 'cake of soap head'; I am a person of the people.
And yes John Howard lied. Did you ever see that website 'John Howard Lies' it WAS very good. I wonder if we should start up one (web site) for me named Little Kevin Rudd Doesn't Lie - I'd like that.
As for those unionist people well yes, I’ll stamp my foot at them once and then that’s it!
Bye the bye did you see this list; I know of your interest so I thought I’d bring this to your attention. I don’t know how accurate it is because they (Mister Murdoch) don’t tell me these things. (It’s always do this Kevin, do that Kevin – no explanation at all).
Your PM, KMR

nobody said...

Hee Hee, PM. What a jolly soul you are. I know you can't sack your media handlers but really you ought to let rip occasionally. The punters would groove on it, I reckon.

And oh my God! I just came back from your link. Perfectly marvellous. Precisely what I've been wondering about for the longest time. I didn't read it too closely but was Helena Bonham Carter in there? Perhaps not. But either way she is easily the sexiest member of the Rothschild family. We all knew that didn't we?

Otherwise thanks PM. I'll let you get back to the very important business of fagging for the bankers.
PS. When you're in New York don't be shy. There is NOTHING that the bankers cannot provide you with. Nothing. All you need do is ask. Just let your imagination rip. If you can think of it, they can give it to you, along with your own commemorative quicktime celebrating the event for posterity. Marvellous people, the bankers...